Out of Order
by tami3
Summary: Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi is screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi thinks Kanda’s crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but in-character. Promise. Last part 6 is up.
1. One

Out of Order

SUMMARY: Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi thinks Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.

ONE

Thinking on it, viciously and murderously, Kanda blames his master.

Their "team"--as grouped exorcists are called after Edo, as much it makes it sound like they're into schoolyard sports-- is crossing the Pyrenees to get back to headquarters when the old bastard decides to open his mouth and consequently, the gates of Hell.

They're a bit closer (spatially) than they usually are on these forced sessions of "rendezvous with your General to make sure the Earl hasn't got him yet". Last night at the inn, Noise had pulled Kanda aside for a word. (That had not boded well. People don't take Kanda aside for private words of caution anymore. They let him do what he wants.)

Today is the anniversary of Daisya's death and the flow of Tiedoll's radish-like nose is as steady as the Tiber. He keeps disturbing the still mountain air by trumpeting into an old scrap of canvas. Noise, who's always been rather stoic himself, hesitatingly pats the old man on the back, looking over the hunched shoulders at Kanda's twitching eye.

It's not like Kanda had hated Daisya. Despite Daisya's somewhat abrasive personality, he had been a reliable comrade and lot nicer to Kanda than he had to be. Kanda had known, vaguely, that the death date was sometime around this time of year. He had meant to go to the Order's chapel as soon as they got back to say a prayer before Daisya's ashes. That's off-putting enough because the Order, being what it is, always leaves a riotously bright pile of flowers by the urn instead of the classic, reverent white. (Kanda is sometimes convinced that the members of the Order are gleefully difficult on purpose rather than stupid. The Black Order is the ADD bastard child of a military base and a circus. )

Noise doesn't push for anything, knowing the magnitude of the favor in asking Kanda to be especially kind and attentive to the master today. Kanda's doing something like that by not pulling ahead at least five paces from the geezer, which he usually does so he can pretend he isn't associated with the frizzy-haired lunatic.

That means he's in earshot when Tiedoll pulls himself midway through a sob to curdle Kanda's blood.

"Yuu, you've grown into such a fine-looking boy…I can't believe you haven't found someone yet."

Kanda stops. "…What?" he drips concentrated acid. Noise, who's learned years ago how to keep his composure during the inevitable bouts of tension between his sentimental master and his frigid teammate, actually freezes.

"Oh, my poor Daisya." Tiedoll moans, bouncing the frame of his glasses up with the heel of his hand to scrub at his gushing eyes. "That's something I always regretted…that he never found someone before he died…No, no, Kanda…I won't make the same mistake with you…you…you have to…"

And that's when they have to take a detour and sit on the grass by the side of the road, because General Tiedoll's blubbering has reached the level of howls and there's nothing more awkward than trudging along to an old man in tears.

"Anyways" he addresses Kanda as Noise soothes him by rubbing his back, "Yuu, now that you're older and more mature (Noise stares uncomfortably at the toes of his boots), I feel like I can speak to you openly now. I'm the closest you've ever had for a father (Not "ever," Kanda thinks sardonically. I didn't spontaneously generate from a rock.) and I'm responsible for seeing you into proper manhood."

Dear gods, if the grizzled septuagenarian launched into the "birds and the bees" talk with his almost-twenty apprentice, Kanda was going to take his chances diving off the side of the cliff and he doesn't think Noise will be too far off in following.

"You're at that age…there must be someone you like. And with that face, I can say for sure that there's someone who likes you."

"NO." Kanda intones flatly.

"Don't say that Yuu…it's the way of the human heart to seek out another when it's lonely, and a human is never lonelier than when the world itself despairs…" Tiedoll honks into his rag. "And now the world is even darker than it was than when it was Daisya's time to go…"

Kanda is violently gesturing over Tiedoll's misty-eyed gazing into the distance for Noise to do something, but understandably, Noise just shrugs helplessly.

"I know you haven't been exposed to many women…I always told you that you were too young, kept you in the inns with me while I let Noise and Daisya run around with the girls they met…you were furious with me, but I always thought that there was plenty of time for that kind of thing later…plenty of time for you to figure those kinds of things out…And now…" He heaves a gusty sigh.

"But…I suppose you must like that girl Lenalee. I saw how much of a gentlemen you were to her in Japan after she hurt her legs. Good, good, she's such a sweet thing…and such a lovely girl…she might be the only women in the world who could have you as a lover without getting a complex about you being prettier…"

"Master." Noise cuts in softly before the vein in Kanda's temple has a chance to burst and splatter them all. "Everyone knows that Lenalee Lee and Allen Walker are…um, fond…of each other…" Noise hangs his head in shame for behind reduced to gossip-mongering so he can defend Kanda's pride. Kanda is too incensed to be properly grateful for the sacrifice of dignity.

"Ah, I see…Well, I noticed that too, but I was hoping…" General Tiedoll moustache shifts in a smile of fatherly affection. "I was thinking, my boy's so much better looking, it's no contest in the long run. But Allen, he's a good boy too, I'm happy for them…"

There are at least a dozen incentives for Kanda to commit foster-patricide at this point, but Noise warningly taps the side of his earphones to let Kanda know if he attempts something, he'll be thwarted.

"Well, there's that Miranda woman, but she's a bit old for you…No…? Well, are there any boys you like, Yuu?"

There's a dozen more and it's a lucky thing that Noise is one of the most experienced exorcists in the Order. His invisible wires are fast enough to snare Kanda's wrist as it makes a lightening-quick grab for his hilt.

"I always thought it was a little strange that you didn't seem interested in the other sex…Could it be because…? Oh, I don't care so much, don't worry about that…Youth is finicky sometimes…I'd prefer it if you were able to settle down with a girl for the long-term, but it's very important to act on what you feel now…one thing I've learned from being an soldier, and old, is that you feel so intensely because you don't know what will happen to you tomorrow…or to the person you love. You come to cherish that desperation, you know." Tiedoll becomes dreamy as he slings his pack of rolled-up papers back on.

"This is world is beautiful, I've always said that…I know you'll fall in love with someone, Yuu, you won't want to be alone at the end of the world. Male or female, I don't care, just tell me about him or her whenever it happens, and I'll be able to go in peace…"

"Master…"Kanda chokes out with an admirable amount of restraint, for him. "Is…there…any way you could bother Noise about this instead of me?"

"Eh?" Tiedoll finally takes his frames off his face and starts mopping up the mess on the lenses. "Oh. Well. Noise is writing that girl he met back in Brundisi. You said you wanted to just sleep at the inn, so you must not have met her…I trained that habit into you, what a shame…she's was such a sweet woman…you should have seen Noise working up his nerve. But he got her consent in the end…With Daisya gone…poor Daisya…you're the only one left I worry about…" he motions with the back of his hand to start moving again.

Kanda's hand jerks in its web as he glares at a blushing Noise, who loosens his strings just a tad out of guilt.

"Ah, Yuu, I'm so sorry…" their master laments as they pick up the march again to his weeping lead. "I suppose it's my fault you don't know anything about romance…I've been so overprotective…I should be more honest with you now that you're older…you see, it wasn't about you being too young…I always kept you inside the inns because I was worried what would happen to a pretty young boy walking around on his own…this world can be terrible sometimes, you know…Noise and Daisya, I knew they could take care of themselves…but what chance did Daisya stand against a Noah…? Oh…my poor Daisya…"

As their master continues to reminiscence for the remainder of the trip, Noise keeps Kanda's forearms bound together and makes a point of lashing Mugen firmly against his hip for good measure. He drags a recalcitrant Kanda on his unseen leash all though Italy and halfway through England.

--

Despite his utter conviction that the old man planted the seed of poison in his brain, truthfully Kanda can't figure out how it happened. Or how he even knows enough about the other person (because God forbid he ever let anyone approach him with a conversation that isn't strictly necessary) to get sideswiped with the unbidden mental "strike!" when he realizes what's happening.

Lenalee's voice hops after his turned back as he goes after an overexcited Crowley already in the distance. She's timid because he's just gotten through with another regularly scheduled stand-off with Allen Walker, who is, admittedly, all but her boyfriend now. Kanda had hoped that the bean sprout would be compelled to try to make less of a fool of himself now that he had the girl around. If only he were smart, he would pretend to be better than he really was when she was around, I.e. stop showing off his obvious prepubescence with his high-pitched whines.

Feh. If anything, the doll-faced boy with the body of a ten-year-old girl had decided the best way to assert his masculinity was to bother someone who actually had it. But a waif-like kid standing up to the Order's powerhouse must be attractive to a goody-two-shoes like Lenalee, Kanda figures.

"G..good luck, Kanda!" she calls after him anxiously. Her silent anticipation for his acknowledgment, which he has no intention of giving, isn't what calls his attention back.

"It's Yuu. He doesn't need it."

That voice stops him. That reassurance isn't meant for him. It's for Lenalee and her tendency to chew off the ends of her newly grown-back hair while seeing people off because nowadays, luck is sparse. But things like that aren't said casually anymore, and without questioning why, Kanda pivots on his heel to a smiling redhead working the hair tips out of Lenalee's mouth.

Kanda can tell that he means it in the way that Allen is attacking his hands on Lenalee and Lavi is concentrating on that instead of sparing Kanda even a sideways glance of concern. He laughs over Allen's earnest snarling and Lenalee's little huffs of indignation.

"I'll see yah when you get back, Yuu!" he manages in distraction. His headband flies from a well-aimed swipe from one of the two tiny exorcists dancing like angered imps below him.

Kanda watches him, ducking left and right and so completely expectant that Kanda will come home safe with all gravely dangerous business taken care of. He's bored of being made to come and say goodbye just in case. He's sincere when he acts as if Kanda is hardwired to be a perfect all-purpose evil cleanser, completely efficient without hugs and kisses and something to fight for. Which he is.

It all starts from Lavi's insensitivity and his understanding of things the way Kanda wants (which may or may not have much to do with reality) and his grin around, but not for, Kanda's march into hypothetical life-or-death that he doesn't care much about himself.

Lavi's claps his gloved hands on the back of Allen and Lenalee's still slightly over-large, childishly proportioned heads to steer them back into the hall. Lavi's the only one out of the three who's old and built enough to be considered a real adult and the short sleeves of his jacket bunch up around his shoulders as he starts chattering about lunch. It's arguable that he's the one who takes the least issue with Kanda's attitude, but at the same time his apathy is stunning.

Kanda literally smacks himself for it later that night in the train compartment as his partner snores , but it's a done deal.

He's completely and utterly in love.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir 74 (on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.)

BTW, I do a random D.Gray-man fan arts from time to time, I.e. strychnon./art/D-Gray-man-Morning-81047827

Any requests?

NOTES FOR THIS CHAPTER:

I have a lot of respect for Tiedoll. REALLY. And Kanda is aware of the irony in belittling Allen's masculinity. But he figures he comes off as 100 percent guy on the inside, at least. To quote Lavi, "Yuu's so manly."


	2. Two

-1TITLE: Out of Order

SUMMARY:

Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi thinks Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.

TWO

At first, Lavi's pretty sure that Kanda's trying to kill him.

He's been offhand friends with Kanda since they were kids. So, he knows if it's one thing that motivates a guy who has no personal hobbies or interests, it's a grudge.

His first hypothesis is that it's because he stopped Kanda from hooking up with either Lenalee or Allen. It's almost too painful of an alternate-universe-where-Kanda-has-feelings conclusion to make, but Lavi's noticed that Kanda gives the two a look like he's got indigestion whenever they coo like bashful doves to each other. He doesn't linger overlong on Lenalee's pink china cheeks or Allen's lowered white lashes, but takes in their general closeness to each other with pure cold fury.

It's a weird expression that consists of a lot of jumping muscles in his jaw and neck. It's great fun to behold, whoever he's pining for. Really, the only reason why Lavi doesn't go ahead with the assumption that Kanda's straight as a machine-cut board and wants Lenalee like he wants a soba-only diet is that… Kanda liking someone is just bizarre. It takes looking at from all angles. Because Kanda's never treated other human beings as something as other than a nuisance, Lavi's always figured that once and if this war thing ever wraps up, he'll retire to a mountain hermitage and die beating up pine trees.

So having, what, a physical and emotional attachment to someone out of nowhere? Allen's just as good as Lenalee. Kanda at least talks to Allen--he has a tendency to ignore Lenalee because she's cute and spirited and friendly and feminine, and his brain refuses to process any of that. To be fair, most of the "talking" between Allen and Kanda is insults and Lavi's never really caught a current of eroticism in the flood of animosity between them. But, eh. The rivals-turned-lovers card's been dealt before.

And no, Lavi doesn't think he's overexerting himself thinking about something that has nothing to do with him, because strangely, it has a lot to do with him. His biggest clue comes from how he had been the one who kind of set Allen and Lenalee up.

When Lenalee was still struggling to adjust to crystallized mode and using crutches to get around, Lavi had nonchalantly tripped her. She had dove straight into Allen's lap with a shriek and things had gone from there. (Well, following Allen almost breaking his neck afterwards with his lobster claw, for risking hers…but when he told Allen that he'd help him with his crush, Allen had said "anything," so…) Kanda had witnessed the scene with the same kind of pleasantness one has when being forced to eat a live chicken.

And some months and a few very flustered kisses between the youngsters (on the cheek) later, Kanda's still scrutinizing the couple's progress rather closely…which as far as Lavi concerned, is fine, if not nonsensically hilarious. Only every time Kanda's done doing some hostile spying on the couple, (which Allen and Lenalee seem to block out, since they're still in that naïve stage of being happily lost in each other's eyes instead of less innocent body parts), he abruptly removes himself to find Lavi.

And then he stalks him.

Lavi considers Kanda to be a simple creature…once he gets fixated on something, he just runs with it. It's how he got to be so good at swinging that sword. So even if it's for something as…odd…as taking revenge on the meddler in his (let's face it) inherently fruitless love-life, Lavi isn't too nonplussed when Kanda pops up everywhere--leaning back on the wall with his arms crossed outside Lavi's room, in the cafeteria seated next to him with waves of negative energy pouring out of him, even in the library with his stone-hard eyes peering behind the empty slots between books.

Lavi thinks it hysterical he's got Kanda gander up over two lovers who probably don't even know how it works (well, maybe Allen feigns ignorance a little more than he should, being a boy and Cross's pupil).He takes it in stride for a while. He leaves Kanda cups of tea outside his door, sneaks hot peppers onto his plate, and casually re-shelves journals in front of Kanda's face. He thinks Lenalee and Allen are cute and that Kanda's never had a chance with either of them, so he's not yielding to the stick up Kanda's ass.

Kanda doesn't bend in the slightest, so Lavi ups his game. The cup becomes a full course tea tray with biscuits, the cayenne peppers heat up to habernos, and Lavi starts blocking out Kanda's glower with books that have titles on the spine like "Educating Emotionally Disturbed Children". (Panda smacking him a few times for the wrong orientation is worth it.)

It stops being a riot a month in when Lavi finally has to lay his head down on his arms and cry. Allen and Lenalee are mildly amazed and hastily break apart hands.

"What's wrong?" Allen asks.

"Oh…you two just look so right together…" Lavi mumbles thickly. "Makes me proud, y'know…"

Lenalee giggles uncertainly. "Lavi, you're so weird." she comments, handing him a napkin to dab the soup out of his bangs.

"I'm not as bad as some people." he insists, eyeing Kanda watching them from the balcony on the next floor up, sniper-style.

He can't just dismiss it as a mere psychological psyche-out anymore, because it's Yuu Kanda and he's the only one who has the unholy stamina to REALLY keep someone under his steely surveillance 24/7. Lavi's got heightened senses because of his Bookman training. He doesn't just suspect it, he KNOWS Kanda's after him every second of the day. It's getting a little out of hand for jealousy over puppy love.

Komui wrinkles his nose at his unkempt appearance when Lavi reports into his office in the morning for a briefing.

"Are you going to be good for this mission, Lavi?" he wavers. He's on the verge of caving in and reassigning. But they're desperately shorthanded and it shows it his hasty reassuring of himself. "…But I'm pairing you with someone capable, so it'll be fine. He can pick up the slack for one day while you rest." he shoos them out with finality before he can change his mind.

"Yes. Fine. Great." Lavi groans as they're walking out, plucking at the baggy purple skin under his eyes.

Next to him, Kanda scowls.

--

Kanda really does almost kill him in his sleep the second day. They're a few miles out of Basel and it's when Lavi's spread out on a bunch of rocks on the sun.

"Mmur, yeah, I'm right behind you." he murmurs to Kanda hot on the heels of a few speedy airborne level twos bopping the innocence back and forth like a volleyball. They flee towards the tree-studded horizon with Kanda leaping after them, using branches as launch points. The man's like a ninja, Lavi thinks in some degree of drugged admiration before flopping over on the warm, flat boulder and conking out.

Kanda's always followed orders to a "T" and when they'd checked themselves in for the night, he'd parked his ass in a chair and hadn't moved until sunrise. He'd focused narrowed eyes on Lavi shifting uneasily under the covers. Kanda calls it "keeping watch" but to Lavi it's like rooming with a dragon waiting to eat him. He had hoped that with Lenalee and Allen safely stowed away and sneaking hugs at the Tower, it'd be "out of sight, out of mind". But now that it's one-on-one, Kanda seems more determined than ever to freak him out to death.

Seriously. When does he sleep?

So as soon as he's absolutely sure Kanda will be occupied for a few hours, Lavi hits the hay. They're only level twos, so Kanda will get rid of them just fine--he just needs to catch them first. And even if they eat the innocence or something, it's not the first time they've been destroyed and there's at least a hundred of them floating around somewhere.

Meanwhile, there are less than two dozen exorcists and Lavi thinks that if he doesn't get his melatonin levels stabilized again, he going to slit his wrists because that's the only way Kanda absolutely won't be able to stop him from passing out for a few hours.

He jolts awake to the crackle of that leather-like stuff exorcist uniforms are made of. Lavi drowsily recalls in his half-awake stupor how much he likes and dislikes the material. It's waterproof so it clings a little closer to him than he would like, especially in the legs--but damned if he isn't appreciative of its level of honesty in representing the girls' figures. Especially Miranda, in that bodysuit …

Uh. Wait. He's pretty sure he hasn't even wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth yet. He definitely isn't the one creaking a deep knee-bend in his skin tight uniform.

Lavi opens his eyes, and yup, there's Kanda the ninja about to slash his throat. The guy's leaning over his body, propping himself up with one knee in the space between Lavi's sprawled legs. Kanda-on-the-verge-of-a-crime-of-passion looks the same as always, Lavi supposes. Head-to-toe professionalism. It's never been enough for him to just don the thing to look official, nooo, he has to have the whole get-up of a sanitary ponytail sown up tightly at the top of his head, the trench coat completely buttoned down and a standard issue at that, never with requested alterations like Allen's hood or Lenalee's skirt or Lavi's jacket…

His final thoughts are turning out to be pretty boring. Lavi considers pleading, but trust Kanda to take that as a invitation to make it slow, lingering, and agonizing. Should he at least bargain to have his body found, eventually? He doesn't want Allen and Lenalee to worry, and the Panda's so up in years that the sooner he finds out he needs to start training another apprentice, the better. Ah well, maybe this time he'll get someone smart enough to actually stick to the "don't get involved with stupid shit inconsequential to overall history" thing.

That way the new guy probably won't end up pinned to rock by one of his life-long friends all because he decided to play matchmaker between two kids. If this is divine punishment for breaking the Bookmen creed anyways, Lavi would've liked his subsequent demise to be somewhat noble in nature--shielding a civilian from an akuma or whatever. As it is, he can't help bleakly thinking that it kinda blows that he's going to make an exit this lame.

Kanda gives Lavi a surprisingly long grace period to panic/hallucinate from sleep deprivation. He seems a little thrown by Lavi's groggy terror. Frowning, he picks up one the hands he's placed on either side of Lavi's head and reaches for his face. It's original, but Lavi thinks that taking a crush-the-face-with-your-bare-hand approach is a bit more theatrical than he prefers. The pressure stops at his cheek, and Lavi's wondering when Kanda's grip got this shitty when Kanda opens his mouth to bring on true Hell.

"I love you." Kanda says.

His dark eyes are wide and stunned, making their hint of blue obvious. The innocence must be in his breast pocket because there's a sparkling illumination on his skin, which gives him an ethereal air. He's lacking his usual rage (which typically screws up his features into furrowed brows and a scowl) so his face is soft and smooth and delicately shaped like a girl's. It's simple truth that's Kanda has never been more beautiful in his life.

"NO." Lavi responds.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir 74 (here on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.)

BTW, I do a random D.Gray-man fan arts from time to time, I.e. strychnon./art/D-Gray-man-Morning-81047827

Any drawing requests?

NOTES FOR THIS CHAPTER:

I have that book, "Educating Emotionally Disturbed Children." Along with "Prevention of Mental Disorders in Children" and "Personality Maladjustments and Mental Hygiene," which also could have worked. They are politically incorrect and old and sit on a shelf together so I can freak out my visitors.


	3. Three

-1TITLE: Out of Order

SUMMARY:

Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi thinks Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.

THREE

Of course Kanda's always been vaguely aware of his stunted emotional development. And that it means he can't expect an easy time of it if and when he ever gets into the whole, you know, humanity thing. Before this, he was banking on how other people seemed to have a lethal attraction to bastards, helpfully paired with a drive to reform them. It's a typical symptom of too-glib-to-be-believed protagonists who putter about enforcing heroics and pep-talks like bioweapons of love. And wouldn't you know it? He lives in their nest.

So yeah, he's always figured that if someone else decides that he's important enough, he or she'll do the all the work making him half-way pleasant enough to be a decent companion. But it's not like Kanda's ever wanted his "gentling" to be an easy job. He was pretty content with his hateful self and anticipated delivering a good fight and plenty of puncture wounds to whoever it was who will finally draw his heart out of its spiny shell.

He was only being realistic in that someday, he'd have to care about someone. But he thought he knew himself well enough to be certain he wouldn't be the one taking the initiative. And that he'll probably try to off that person a half a dozen times before he appreciated him or her for violating his solitude.

In fact, his level of enthusiasm at the prospect was best reflected in how he's always been more hopeful that the whole premature death thing would come first.

But somehow it started with him and he's not any more suicidal than normal. That's so completely opposite of what he predicted that he's at a total loss at how to go about things now.

And as pseudo-deep as all that self-analysis sounds, the other component of Kanda's crisis is embarrassingly simple.

When he had went through puberty, somehow his sex drive had missed the train. It's finally jumped on and unpleasant surprise? The hots for Lavi had somehow stowed away in the same compartment.

The thing is, it's already not pretty when it happens to a fourteen year old. Kanda can remember pretty clearly when Lavi went through it. And no, it's not some sentimental bull nostalgia about growing up with who turned out to be his first love. It's just his baseline and a pretty disgusting one at that.

Lavi had stuttered the dumbest things in front of every pretty thing from Lenalee to the nurses, had run the bathroom every time a particularly ample bust came within his sightline, and sometimes would glow red for seemingly no reason until Kanda noticed how he was carefully positioning his scarf or a book to cover his nether regions. Kanda recalls not being able relate to him at the slightest because, as he had thought at the time, the merciful gods had spared him from the sticky, pathetic indignities of being a teenaged boy.

Well now it feels like they just made a clerical error, and what's more, they've recently caught it and are tripping over themselves to ensure that he has a proper spell of horny stupidity before his adolescence is completely over. And if it's embarrassing for a kid-who's-almost-a-teenager, it's a downright freakshow for a teenager-who's-almost-an-adult.

The thing is, Kanda was trying to be disciplined about this. Okay, he'd thought. So he loves Lavi. That doesn't mean he doesn't have options left. He's got all his considerable willpower to come through this gracefully. He needs to assess what this exactly means to him--and what to do.

For example, he decides to take a cue on how exactly NOT to do it by watching Lenalee and Allen. It's not like he's ever had real respect or admiration for their two resident virgin-martyrs-in-training. But ever since they've became an item, they're downright sickening. They pussy-foot so much with their wrinkled-up cutesy faces and under-the-breath "my sweet Allen"s and "my lovely Lenalee"s that anyone would think that they're having perpetual asthma attacks. (Except that their relationship is the worst kept "secret" in the history of the Order. Only Komui, who's in denial, really an idiot, and is completely avoided by Allen Walker right now, doesn't see it yet.)

Kanda knows it's a little irrational, but he's morbidly fascinated by the two. Their own case of first love effectively ignores the presence of reproductive organs. He isn't sure where he's going with his own, but he knows he refuses to follow their romantic example of lollipops and batting eyelashes. (Maybe he's exaggerating, but he's sure that HE'S gone further than the two of them have with each other. And that's saying a lot.) But Allen and Lenalee are sunny and blissed, if not nauseatingly cute, so Kanda's floundering on how to completely reject their methods, but still end up…not sunny and blissed, because the day those terms can actually be applied to him is the day he disembowels himself, but not miserable, at least. That's why he can't help observing them.

…Or maybe it's because Lavi's with them. Almost ALL the time. Laughing with straight white teeth in an always upturned mouth. Catching a little of Allen's and Lenalee's violent blushing that makes them as shiny and ruddy as if coming out of a bath, but on him is just a little extra color in his tan cheek, which he doesn't seem to be aware of at all. Leaning in to their words, hiking up his jacket so a few inches of his waist shows in profile.

Kanda watches Lavi when he's apart from the lovebirds too, of course. He can't afford to leave anything out in deciding what he's going to do. He does what he can, but he's confused and slightly tired from it all. He can't seem to grasp higher thinking. If Kanda's never put much energy into how the Bookman apprentice looked before he fell for him, right now his own reproductive organs are in overdrive. Love comes with some crazy dreams and the…need… to take care of their aftereffects. It's draining.

After a little bit of staring, at Lavi going into his room, slouchy from the need to sleep, at Lavi eating, his mouth making all sorts of funny or expressive or suggestive shapes, at Lavi reading, his studious face thoughtfully turned down at the pages of a book, Kanda concludes that…Lavi (as he suspected) isn't anything special.

He's the only one out of the teenaged exorcists who has no real aesthetic appeal. He's better-looking than average, but in a way that lacks any mystique. He's tall and lanky and all clashing colors in a way that has nothing to do with his clothes and everything to do with his very genetic makeup.

He doesn't have any of Allen's harlequin charm, his unnatural coloring like a costume and sad comic demeanor. He doesn't have any of Lenalee's beauty, her delicate strength as a streamlined dancer soldier, flowing like a ink painting. He's not even like Kanda, who has some self-awareness and gets that he's a fucking androgynous beauty but still can't see how that's a perfect poetic complement to being a warrior like some literary types say it is.

As far as he can tell, Lavi is only a human with a nice body and a whole lot of energy.

Which is perfectly fine with Kanda, he figures out with devastating defeat, because he'd rather fuck someone who's obviously sexy instead of an artsy concept. And he hasn't made much more progress other than that because Lavi's body has the best muscle tone out of all them--including his legs, which could be a masculine equivalent of Lenalee's. And he wears the form-fitting black pants of his uniform pretty often.

Right. In hindsight, Kanda realizes that he's never succeeded in bringing much rational thought into this at all.

And that pretty much is the crux of it when he sinks himself in deep shit irrevocably. He hadn't planned on saying anything, not even when he opened the envelope and the second line of the assignment, "Exorcists: Bookman Jr., Lavi & Kanda, Yuu" had tested his tolerance for irony. And anyways, Lavi had showed up for the briefing looking like a cat someone tried to strangle.

Whatever intentions Kanda's imploding mind had tried to conjure up at that point would have been checked by common sense anyways. It would have commented to him that apprentices who are overworked to half-death by their slave-driver masters aren't very receptive to same-sex friends' love confessions.

So although his heart's trying to jump out of his throat his entire time, Kanda keeps his mouth shut while they're traveling. Luckily, Lavi's so fatigued from working two jobs that he's pretty quiet himself. When he talks, he talks to the Finder about the mission. Maybe Lavi knows he doesn't have the energy to sustain baiting Kanda and making commentary around his snarling wrath. That's their usual setup when they're paired for missions.

But all the same, Kanda afraid to know what he'd say back to Lavi if they talked. And he doesn't want to hear himself match the babbling of love-struck Allen or puberty-Lavi.

So he holds his tongue (But he doesn't bother restraining his eyes--what's the difference between doing it at the Tower and on the field anyways?) and he and Lavi don't exchange a single word. Especially not with Lavi stumbling into his bed as soon as they get there and turning his back to Kanda as he sleeps. (He has a nice reclining silhouette, too. Halfway through the night Kanda thinks he has a good theory of which dips in Lavi's side a lover would put his hands on.)

And it all goes to waste because when he goes looking for Lavi after he's done chopping up the akuma and retrieving the innocence, there the idiot is, napping on some rocks. Kanda had thought the soldier in him being LIVID at how his comrade abandoned duty (tenuous enough already because of a niggling voice harping at him that Lavi had fallen behind because he was hurt) was sufficient protection from turning into a giggly dolt upon speaking. So he had went to shake the asshole awake so they could go home.

Only this is the first time he's ever had a good shot of Lavi sleeping in complete relaxation. He's on a white rock that emphasizes every contour of his body in its black uniform. Being under a brassy patch of sun makes him look even more sinuously feline as he stirs slightly in his sleep. His headband's discarded in a grass patch nearby so the childish red of his loose, scattered bangs give his face a boyish look.

To top it all off, his legs are spread wide in what Kanda KNOWS is laziness but goddamnit his cock isn't going to get past "sluttishness".

His desire for Lavi has never come this close to enchantment, and the force of "want" in every sense of the word is what makes him draw close and lean in. When he touches Lavi's face, Lavi's eye squints a little before fully opening. The light filtering from the forest canopy dapples his incredibly green iris with a paler yellow, like a leaf starting to die in the fall.

And so their first conversation of the mission consists of four words. It starts with Kanda's three of "I love you."

The redhead's follow-up "NO" is accompanied by his sidling out from underneath and making a run for the town like the dickens. Kanda's left blinking in his wake. And in the next second he's furious with himself for falling for someone that can that closely resemble a woodland creature fleeing for its life.

Kanda's stomps his way back slowly, fuming at everything. He fully expects to find Lavi feverishly ransacking their room for their train passes, or their mission allowance, or whatever will get him as far away as fast as possible. But since God's a tease to both of them, those both happen in be in Kanda's coat pocket.

He's dumbstruck when he opens the hotel door to find Lavi pretty mellow and sitting so close to the finder on the bed that their shoulders are touching. It takes all of the mental discipline Kanda's gained from years of meditation to start thinking coherent words instead of one long scream. And to stop clenching Mugen's hilt in a death grip.

Upon closer inspection, Lavi's only having an intense discussion without someone through his golem, which is of course hooked up the Finder's generator backpack. He's so absorbed in the conversation (which Kanda can tell has the other party pretty excited, because the distant, wild jabbering is filling the room) that he doesn't seem to notice Kanda standing behind him.

"…thought he was going to kill me." is the first thing Kanda hears Lavi say quite clearly.

"Uh huh. Uh huh. He said 'I love you'. No, not even 'I like you,' he went for the whole thing at once." Kanda freezes. Lavi pauses to listen to the other person's answer, which is a passionate one judging from the swift rise and fall of the pitch.

"Yeah, I know! What is he, a fourteen-year-old girl? Even IF hell froze over and something actually happened--geez, stop shouting and freaking out, I said it wouldn't!--anyways, he'd totally be the chick. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Of course I said 'no', what else would I say? It's Kanda, you'd blow your top. Do I hear Lenalee? What's she doing? Okay. No, don't let her take the phone. I dunno. Maybe I'll tell her later. S' not that big of deal, m' not gonna fall head over heels or have crazy wild jungle sex with him or anything…Yeah, I know you didn't want to hear that, why do you think I said it? Haha… Ok. Tell Lenalee 'hi' for me. I'll see you when I get back. Yeah. Bye." Lavi ends the transmission and turns around to wave.

"Hey, welcome back. What took yah so long, Yuu?" he greets him with a slight smile. Kanda snaps and wrenches Lavi to his feet, almost shoving the Finder over in his rage.

"How the FUCK could you tell Allen that?!" Kanda hisses, wishing it were six months ago so he can punch Lavi in the eye.

"Huh?" Lavi frowns. "That wasn't Allen."

"Then who was it, asshole?!" Kanda shouts and shakes Lavi by his shirtfront, but Lavi bats his hands away with the like a mother would with a child sneaking his hand in the cookie jar before dinner.

"Who else would I ask for advice?" Lavi asks almost scornfully. "Bookman. Duh."

And with that he strides out of the room in his tight uniform pants.

"Tough luck." the finder remarks sympathetically.

Kanda can't even muster up the energy to tell him to shut up.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir47 (here on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.)

BTW, I do a random D.Gray-man fan arts from time to time, I.e. strychnon./art/D-Gray-man-Morning-81047827

Any drawing requests?

NOTES FOR THIS CHAPTER:

I think this might be the closest that I ever wrote Kanda as the "bottom". Pretty-boyness aside, I've always seem him as too masculine. Or something.


	4. Four

Out of Order

SUMMARY:

Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi think Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.

FOUR

Lavi thinks he feels something about Kanda's problem. But so far he hasn't come up with much, other than mild annoyance.

If Kanda had acted strange when he was around Lavi and Lavi alone, Lavi might have realized what was really up. What was with all the nasty faces he had made at Allen and Lenalee's low-key courting? Kanda's unpredictability had upset the information flow pretty badly--Lavi's conclusion that he was envious of the kiddie couple, and thus homicidal towards Lavi for pushing them together with his playfulness, had had a 90 chance of being accurate. Lavi'd even factored in all uncertainties.

Lavi can't believe he missed the mark that badly. As a supposed expert in human behavior, he's deeply aggrieved. He supposes he shouldn't have dismissed how throughout Kanda stalking him, Kanda's focus had focused on his lower half fifteen percent longer than the standard deviation for normal behavior. Fifteen percent is never small enough to be considered a fluctuation. Lavi had only allowed it because it's Kanda, who's weird and the closest thing to a robot in the Order other than Komurin.

Meanwhile Lavi's got a feeling that the Panda's going to be a bit prickly for the next few days. After hearing that Kanda had confessed to him, Gramps had chewed him out with all the ferocity of a tiger protecting its young (which, in a way, Lavi supposes he is). But that's not really all that different from his regular carping about getting too close to other people. Bookman's dedicated to his post all right, to the point he'd sooner roast his apprentice over a spit than let him deviate from his destined path.

But the thing is that a lot of people miss about Bookman is that, besides having an astronomically high IQ, he's your normal crotchety old man. Fond of grumbling and oversensitive to the corruption of today's young'uns. Lavi's pretty sure he has a secret happiness about being able to live out the naggy grandfather role. It's probably motivates him to bitch out Lavi more than Lavi's hesitation over forfeiting his heart.

(Because Lavi's actually been doing a lot better with that lately. No way Bookman wouldn't note a development that important.)

No, Bookman's pissed because he missed the boat too. It's Lavi's job to collect the words of the exorcists under casual conditions. It's Bookman's job to use that to put together their profiles for the History. And hell if Bookman hadn't noticed Kanda constantly hovering in the corner lately. Not when he and Lavi share the same room, eat in the same mess hall, and work in the same library. If something as earth-shattering as "Kanda wants to jump my apprentice's bones" had occurred to him, he would have said something.

Looks like Kanda had thrown such a curve ball that it had even arced even over Bookman's critical acumen.

That's what will really keep the old mans choler flowing for a while, although he'll still half-heartedly monitor his charge just in case. Damned if they have anything to work with in predicting how persistent Kanda would be in wooing someone. But Bookman had agreed over the golem that poking Kanda's pride to break down his resolve was as good a start as any. Bashing Kanda's girly "I love you" to Bookman over the phone while Kanda had listened had been a logical first step.

And as soon as you get back, Bookman had informed him, quite severely, you're going to look over the files I've kept on Yuu Kanda and practice your Bookman skills. (Aka, apply knowledge in a real life setting. Also aka, get Kanda to stop coveting your useless, unworthy hide.)

"If it were something purely physical, I'd have a lot harder time coming up with an outright 'not gonna happen.'" Lavi mulls over the roar of the train wheels. "Never mind Allen and Lenalee, it's a bigger mystery if Yuu can figure out how it works in the bedroom. Especially between two guys. And I gotta admit I'm pretty curious about whether it could ever end up as how it's s'psed to go, considering the two decades of sexless-ness that's gotta be fixed first." He pauses.

"But 'I love you' is serious stuff." He ploughs on. "And I'm not really feeling that. And for pity's sake we're in the middle of an apocalyptic war. Yeah, I know the general outspoken consensus is that now's NOT the time to fall in love, but it's really the complete opposite. People pair up left and right when things get scary. The simple fact of it is that no one wants to die alone. I heard that even Noise Marie and Tiedoll went cruising for chicks while they were out. So sounds to me it could just another case of 'being in love with being in love'. That's the alternate reading of 'Romeo and Juliet,' anyways. Course, that doesn't fix human desire, bodily or otherwise." Lavi sighs.

"I dunno, what do you think?" Lavi caps off his venting. Spewing out his thoughts has always helped him sort things. He usually does it with Bookman, but he's not around.

"I…"the Finder looks like he's about to wet himself from sheer terror. On the train seat beside him, Kanda's thinks his teeth are going to be worn to nubs if he grinds them anymore.

The most infuriating thing about it all? Not for a second does he neglect to notice Lavi's casually crossed legs.

--

Kanda knows its his own damn fault that he didn't pick out someone else (sane). That would have meant he would be granted the sweet reprieve of being avoided like a plague for a while. And some opportunity to start hating his former object of affection because, who is he kidding? He has intimacy issues and his first real rejection should have left him bitter and withdrawn and soured about human contact. Again. He would've been okay with that. He's good at being bitter.

Instead, it's Lavi, who acts like he's seen it all and isn't the least bit fazed about, you know, being the reason why the most fearsome swordsman in the west is as stupid with love as a pre-teen girl. In fact, he's pretty upbeat about it. He smiles as much as before. Quite frequently, Kanda's there to see it because he's attempting a "talk it about it until it goes somewhere or dies" approach and Lavi lets him.

Kanda feels a flicker of comforting warmth whenever he sees that pleasant expression--and that's how he knows how very screwed he is because he's so far gone he savors Lavi's smile, no matter why he's doing it. And too often it's him putting on a happy face to blow him off again. (Which itself feels like getting forked in the liver or all the petals on the lotus dropping simultaneously, but doesn't stop Kanda from finding his smile nice.)

"You met Lenalee four months, one week, and two days before you met me and trained in the martial arts with her everyday until the age of fifteen. Meanwhile, from the age of five to eighteen I was gone from early spring to mid-autumn every year with Bookman and spoke to you three and a half months out of twelve. One hundred percent of the adults saw our friendship as unremarkable and not as close as the one you held with Lenalee Lee. You both missed your families and from age of seven to ten you were convinced that you were blood relatives and cared for her like a younger sister. At this point, eight out of ten members of the Order believed that you would become romantically involved with her by the age of sixteen, which diminished to six out of ten after Komui arrived, and remained a significant four out of ten after your eighteenth birthday. Although she has since been connected to another exorcist, two out of ten still believe you will proposition her in the future. Additionally, after saving the life of Allen Walker during his first mission, one out of twenty came to the conclusion that you share a love-hate relationship with him, with nine out of ten of those being women. I began to spend a majority of my time in the order starting the first week of February four years ago, upon which four out of five of the Tower residents determined that I was an idiot, with a slightly lesser concentration among the exorcists and scientists. Zero point five percent of your verbal speech consists of the words 'idiot,' 'stupid,' 'moron' and etcetera synonyms. This increases to two percent when speaking to Allen Walker and five percent when speaking to me. Nine out of ten members of the Order have witnessed you calling me an 'idiot' at least once and seven out of ten have witnessed it more than three times. You have been recorded saying 'I hate idiots more than anything' at least four times and profiled to have homophobic tendencies rooted in your traditional background and insecurity over your androgyny. So." Lavi prompts him with his third list of rebuttals after Kanda's third try at insisting icily "This isn't coming from nowhere, so I need to talk to you about--" (Unfortunately for Kanda the problem is that Lavi has no qualms about talking. And that he's much, much better at it than Kanda is.)"Why are you so fixed on me anyways?"

Kanda would have swallowed, only he's never done it outside of eating before and doesn't know how to do it as nervous tic.

"Lavi, haven't you ever…haven't you ever thought something…that wasn't the best for you? Really believed it? Even…even if it was the most dangerous thing you could ever believe?" he fumbles to Lavi's precise statistics. He clenches his nails into his palms to stop himself from taking Lavi's shoulders. What the fuck, those words don't even set up any proper context to get touchy-feely. He's just being stupid.

Fuck him fuck him fuck him, and fuck love until its proverbial thighs caught fire. Kanda's never wanted to make pretentious pretty speeches about noble and human things like really deep feelings. That was for children, idiots, and women, all of whom he has the extreme misfortune of being steadfast allies with.

He's had to listen to them passionately soliloquy about it from time to time. Usually in the middle of a fight.

It's all well and good and they have it down-pat, but he can't really figure out why no one's ever caught an akuma bullet in the mouth before getting the chance to finish. Considering, it's rather obvious he's never imitated them. He's always been more in the school of thought that people like that _need_ to be hurt badly in the middle of a sentence, like being plugged straight in their open yapping holes, so they can figure out it's not the best battle strategy.

But now he regrets it. He really, really regrets that he can't get out whatever will stir Lavi into making a move--the move that he really wants and really needs. A miracle, like how (as the story went) Allen used a one-liner about wanting to live on the apocalyptic nut-job Suman zombie--getting him to shut the fuck up and bite down on Allen's mutant arm so he could get pulled out of his own headless, dripping organ-pile of sin-against-God.

He doesn't want to ask stupid shit questions that are out-of-character and definitely won't work on a Bookman. They make it their business to be able to see past those kind of transparencies. Kanda can tell from Lavi's skeptically furrowed brow exactly how well he's doing.

It kind of hurts that Kanda knows he's so ineloquent that he suspects it's not that he just can't get it out. He doesn't even have it on the inside-- a sad symptom of severe social dyslexia and investing any and all emotion into stabbing things. Unlike good people who had good things happen to them (like other certain moron Exorcists), he's never given miracles much credit. Now it's getting payback by withholding one from him, and turning his balls blue just for giggles.

Kanda breaks off his rant to wonder for a second why he feels kind of weird, a kind of weird unrelated to life right now being about as fun as watching the Earl take a bath. He thinks that he's been able to follow his train of thought for too long. He realizes it's because Lavi hasn't said anything back despite his mile-a-minute mouth of utter idiocy--or, as Kanda's starting to catch on he has, with his the other "smart" mode of always-right snap-judgment answers that are devastatingly final. The kind where no one, especially not someone like Kanda, can possibly poke a hole in his air-tight logic. As much as Lavi turning this into a joke (again) would make Kanda feel like running Mugen through Lavi's eye (or maybe just himself), for something like this where it's probably going to be another rejection, the latter would be even worse.

But Lavi is actually considering him seriously, his bottle-green eye looking back and his arms crossed still. It makes Kanda's stomach do very irritating, anxious twist and his heart feel like it's about to drop into one of his lungs. It's pretty nauseating.

"Have I ever…thought something that wasn't the best for me and completely believed it, even though it was the most dangerous thing I could ever believe." With the perfect efficiency Kanda has come to expect from Lavi when he's in serious thinking mode, he sums up Kanda's halting, jumbled question into one succinct sentence. He bows his head in silence. Kanda watches tensely until Lavi looks up with a blank expression.

"Yes," Lavi answers steadily.

Something Kanda can't identify flutters in his insides at Lavi's answer .He knows--he knows LAVI knows, goddammit--that what he'd said was really just another way of admitting he was in love with him. But…even if it's not what he's looking for, it's…

Kanda knows crazy shit's going down with Lavi's life--Allen and Lenalee are like housewife gossips when it comes to their friends' personal crisis. (By being a bystander to their conversations, Kanda's basically caught on that Bookmen are not allowed to like people. And that they're freaking creepy, and that this annoys the two kids). Without thinking, Kanda asked Lavi a loaded question and it looks like he's going to give an honest answer, even though Lavi spends half his waking hours sidestepping Allen and Lenalee's sappy interrogations.

Kanda's not completely prepared or Lavi being vulnerable and open only to _him. _--but he knows he would like that, damn, he might even want that, if just by instinct--

Kanda's mentally disciplined enough to avoid a revolting girlish whisper, but he cares, he cares and it does something to his voice that puts quiet urgency in it when he asks back,

"What?"

"I think Allen, Lenalee, and Komui are all more attractive than you." Lavi says simply.

"…and Eliade, and Chomesuke," he mutters to himself crossly on the floor, a hand on his side to keep the jagged end of a broken rib from poking out.

Wow, Yuu really was in love with him. He'd managed to keep his katana sheathed and had only punched him once before stalking off. Maybe even having to do that to Lavi had been painful, and maybe he hadn't been trying to cause major injury. Lavi figures Yuu just doesn't know his own strength. Probably. So maybe Lavi could have finished that list without getting anything beyond a token fist to the torso.

Not. Yuu always knew exactly what he was doing when it came to a fight, even a fight as sloppy as belting someone in the solar plexus. And Lavi definitely hadn't wanted to risk death.

"…and Miranda, and Anita, and Tyki Mikk." he grumbles.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir47 (here on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.)

BTW, I do a random D.Gray-man fan arts from time to time, I.e. strycehnon./art/D-Gray-man-Morning-81047827

Any requests?

EXTRA NOTES FOR THIS CHAPTER:

"Yuu" here should act as a homophone for "you" so that it's not immediately obvious Lavi's talking to Kanda directly. The structure of that sentence might feel a little strange because I had to work around "Yuu" being singular and needing a singular verb, and "you" only taking plural verbs.

Lavi said in a manga interview that when he's after T and A personality counts for a lot too. Which would mean Kanda would have pretty low standing, ay?

Lavi's line (and in some ways, this fic, actually) is based on story my roommate told me that I thought was awesome (Dunno if it's true, but whatever.) I would have titled this fic the two-word phrase below if it wouldn't have gotten it taken down.

There was a girl applying to Yale University. She had the credentials for it-- the perfect transcript, the mile-long list of academic honors, the extracurriculers, the hundreds of volunteer hours, you name it. She spent years building up what she needed to get in. The application essay question was this:

What's the biggest risk you've ever taken?

She put down two words.

Fuck you.

She got in.


	5. Five

-1TITLE: Out of Order

SUMMARY:

Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi think Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.

FIVE

Kanda is a few months into this thing and Lavi is about a week into being completely healed from Kanda losing his mind and cracking one of his ribs over it . (Miranda nearly collapsed from fright when she found Lavi in a puddle outside her room, sheepishly requesting she not inform the infirmary. )

Kanda being in love with him is proving to be more troublesome than working past his bookman/heart dilemma. The root of that problem had been the Panda's own overreaction, really. If he'd just given Lavi all due respect for intelligently digesting the concept of belonging to an offshoot of humanity rather than humanity itself since, well, the age of five, everything would have been sorted out a lot earlier. Lavi's about as good at sociology as he is at any area concerning the human psyche and if Panda hadn't played his reluctance as an adolescent rebellion, he wouldn't have treated it as one.

To make a long story short, Lavi figured out that he had had a decent reason for projecting himself onto poor Lenalee when she was angst-ing over Allen's disappearance. And that he hadn't been wrong when he said what he said to her except for taking on a tone that made her cry. Because he isn't different from her. Or anyone. He's not the only person in the world who has to say "good-bye" sometimes. And Bookman can tantrum about it all he likes, but he can't hijack Lavi's feelings and feel them for him.

So hell yes he's going to have a great time and love Lenalee and Allen and everyone else to bits while he's here. And when he's not anymore, he's going to remember them until the day he dies and feel good about it. There, heart and History both accounted for. Open door, shut door.

But of course Kanda's wedged himself in the crack like a burglar trying to get in. And Lavi's like the housewife inside repeatedly slamming the door on him in hopes of getting him to give up or kill him. But so far he's hanging in there.

To cope, Lavi is spending an inordinate amount of time with Allen and Lenalee. Kanda may have lost a unhealthily large dose of self-respect for getting into this in the first place, but he'd lose it completely if the two got even an inkling of what's going on. Lavi doesn't worry about bugging his two friends (you'd think even they'd grump about needing some privacy as a couple) because they're working on throwing Komui off the trail and a third wheel helps.

During the day, they all linger in very public places like the dining hall and the library. At night Lavi's locked up with Panda doing Bookman work (it's rather heavy--both sides are really bulking up and the end seems to be on the horizon) whilst Lenalee happily test-rides her new innocence to Allen's window.

Therefore, Kanda's openings for approach are rather limited. Lavi's gambling that he'll be able to avoid a major scene before he has to go. He's not betting on Kanda getting over it, of course. It'd scar him to fully analyze what's behind those looks Kanda still makes at him through the throngs of people. And other than all the ensuing complications, he doesn't really mind all that much that the famously good-looking exorcist is into him of all people. (A shit personality puts the kibosh on even Lavi's runaround desire, but his ego doesn't care much about that.)

Kanda's persistent gaze and the uncharacteristic…well, Lavi's going to euphemize it as "yearning"… in his expression is so obvious the other two in his threesome manage to break away from each other long enough to catch it.

"Allen…darling… have you noticed that Kanda's always looking at us?" Lenalee flushes a little from the nickname. It doesn't come easy to her but Allen's so over the moon about it that she refuses to give it up.

Allen gives her an appreciative grin before the meaning of the rest of her words hit him. As always, when Kanda's name leaks into the conversation, a sliver of hatred glints in his metal-colored eyes. "I have, actually…What's up with that?"

Lavi takes a second to let it really sink in how much Allen and Lenalee like each other for them to have missed Kanda's eagle eye on their group until now. He goes a little fuzzy on the inside--yep, he has them pegged for a straight-out-of-war marriage, alright. Well, no, they're still pretty young. And Komui is still bat-shit insane over his sister. But from now on he's going to obliquely suggest a secret engagement (no harm in that, since all kids over speaking age have been arranging those since the beginning of time.) He's going to do it lightly and teasingly, of course, but the people mad in love tend to be susceptible to subliminal messaging.

"Lavi…? Lavi, what do you think?" Lenalee prods him.

No point in letting that defunct theory go to waste-- he may have cooked it up before Kanda made himself clear by pinning him and sticking a thigh between his on that mission, but its logic has some mileage yet. And if he's going to discourage Kanda from pursuing this, give him a fanatically devoted couple on top of everything else to deal with, and…

"I dunno, Lenalee…unless…" he lets his words dwindle down into what sounds like an authentic catch at something imprudent.

"Unless what?" Allen demands. His dislike for Kanda has him wary.

"Nah…he wouldn't…never mind, it was nothing."

"No really, Lavi, what?" Lenalee insists,

"I…no, there's no point in bringing it up, let's just go back to talking about something else…"

He's counting on Allen being as sharp as a tack and, under the surface, disturbingly possessive of the people he likes best (Mana-akuma, anyone?). Sure enough, Allen yanks on Lavi's sleeve a little harder than he has to to get his attention. His face is carefully angled away from Lenalee's so Lavi's hit full-force with the blood-chilling congeniality of Allen's poker face.

"Come on Lavi, finish that thought, why don't you…?"

Lavi takes a breath and fidgets a little. "Well…I just picked this up from stupid talk, you know…it's probably nothing, didn't even bother believin' any of it…But well, you know these dumb stories that adults like to tell about kids, how they play it out years n' years later…"

Allen's innocence hand clenches on his forearm. Lavi puts his hand to his mouth in what looks like a thoughtful gesture, could be to conceal a grimace of pain, and actually hides his smile. "Go on…"Allen urges him politely.

"Well, you know how Kanda and Lenalee kind of grew up together? I got here the same time, yeah, but to tell yah the truth I didn't hang out with em too much because I was with Bookman most of the time--he brought me here, and they kept me for a little bit each year to train me as an exorcist…"

"Yes, yes, what's that got to do anything, Lavi?" Lenalee cuts him off impatiently.

"So, I'm sayin', I didn't get a chance to see for myself, but everyone says that you two were real tight as kids…Komui wasn't here yet and you were always chasing after him like he was a big brother and askin' him for help when you were scared n' stuff…and they say Yuu was as cold as a kid as he is now, but that he was nice to you, and that you guys were always trainin' together…" Lavi can feel Allen cutting off his circulation but he can ignore it.

"So, I heard from one of the maids that when you were, I dunno, eight or something--not real young but not real old--you were asking Kanda what he liked best in the Tower, n' he said something like 'I don't like anything but you' and you said back 'Me neither' and then you were both like 'I guess we gotta stay together forever' or something like that…" Lavi hesitates before adding with a hint of relish, "And a little while back, he said something to me like 'What does she even see in that bean sprout? He came from practically nowhere…' "

Ok, that part's a lie, but it's probably not too far off from what Kanda would think about Allen and Lenalee.

"What? No. Noooo…." Lenalee big dark eyes go round. "That was… I kind of remember that. When I was really sad Kanda was the only one who let me be sad instead of trying to force me to be happy all the time. It was like he was the only one who understood because he was unhappy too. But after big brother came I started feeling a lot better and we just kind of…stopped talking that much…gosh, I hardly ever think about it now, but we were pretty close…"

"And you didn't tell me?" Allen rounds on her in anger. At Lenalee's stunned, wounded look, Allen seems to go into shock at his own confrontational attitude. He's never raised his voice at his girlfriend before.

"I…I knew it would bother you because you don't like Kanda, that's all. I wasn't trying to hide it, we haven't been like that for years so I didn't think it mattered all that much…" Lenalee blusters. But then indignation flashes across her features. "But what, I'm not entitled to maybe have liked other people before I even met you?"

"No, I…I'm sorry Lenalee, I didn't mean it like…wait, you really DID like Kanda?!"

"I didn't say that!"

"Yes you--"

Lavi coughs pointedly to call attention to his discomfort. Which he doesn't really have. Lenalee was going to have to fess up about that anyways, and she couldn't keep her natural strong-willed nature under the feminizing wraps of love forever. Similarly, Lavi knows Allen fell in love with that independent part of her before getting caught up in a mushy romance and encouraging her cutesiness--and it's not that big of a deal, but Allen's clinginess needs to be aired out too.

In other words, Lavi's noticed after months of watching the kids that their internalized "perfect-couple" syndrome could use little nudge towards reality. Especially before he leaves and it blows up in their faces without him there to moderate.

Meanwhile, it might as well serve his purposes a bit too.

"Don't get mad at er' Allen, it's in the past. I can say for sure I've never seen Lenalee look at Yuu with anything remotely close to that moony-eyed expression she has when she's around you. And Allen, it's not like Lenalee's gonna leave yah or anything, you love her tons exactly because she's so sweet that everyone else has to love her a little bit--"

"I do not--!" Lenalee starts hotly as Allen exclaims "I never said--!" And they both fall into a subdued silence. But after a moment Allen gives Lenalee a embarrassed little smile and touches her hand tentatively. She returns his look of affectionate chagrin and twines their fingers together.

"I suppose so…"Allen begins, but then he seems to remember the very immediate danger to his happiness from a very vindictive Japanese exorcist, and growls, "But who the hell does Kanda think he is, being all bitchy about something that's none of his business? I'm going to tell him to cut it out, right now…"

"No, Allen" Lenalee chimes in. "Kanda's being unreasonable, but you two'd just fight. I can tell him myself that I'm serious about you so he should just suck it up and let it go…"

Allen glows with surprised gratitude and starts to answer her, but Lavi jumps in first.

"Nah, nah…better to just let it run its course…so long as you two both know how you feel, he'll get over it eventually…I mean, this is Yuu we're talkin about, he's gonna be stubborn for a while, that's all…"

Allen still seems ready to go up against Mugen to tell Kanda to stay the hell away from his girl, but Lenalee nods in agreement. But she does it reluctantly, as if a problem is still weighing on her mind.

"Lavi…" she says slowly. "I mean, you're really good at noticing things, that's why I asked. But…"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you think…that Kanda spends the most time looking at you?"

Lavi bows his head, brooding. "To be honest…yeah, yeah I do."

"But…why would he--?"

"Well, no offense, but you and Allen were so damned shy. It didn't look like either of you would ever make a move. But you liked each other so much I had to do something…"

"I remember that." Allen puts in. "You're the one who got us together…"

"But…Oh! So Kanda's angry that…Oh, but that's just mean!" Lenalee cries, bright with anger on his behalf. "Kanda's your friend too, and you're saying he hasn't been nice to you ever since you helped us? Um, not nice, since…I mean…that he's been extra rude to you? But you're friends! You must feel…Oh, Lavi, I'm so sorry, this is all our fault…"

Lavi muffles a sigh of hurt. "Don't say that Lenalee, you know I'm real happy for you guys…And if anything, I'm at fault for letting him make things uncomfortable for you two…I'll talk to him…tell him to leave you guys alone, at least…maybe he'll forgive me, but you know, these things take time with Yuu…"

"Asshole." Allen interjects, and doesn't look ashamed for saying in front of Lenalee.

--

Alright.

Lavi raises a good point.

Having someone of the same sex like you is shocking. But that someone not even knowing how to "be" in that kind of relationship before approaching you about it? Yeah, Kanda wouldn't want to be with someone that pathetic either. And besides, Kanda has a feeling Lavi telling him off about that early on was another jab at the futility of the situation. If he had any prospects at all, Lavi would have just filled him in himself when they got to it.

But Kanda's not that bad. He may not be SURE that two guys can do things that fully qualify as…sex, but his body tells him quite mercilessly that there's still plenty to hope for.

For example, Kanda's never really realized he much he loathes Komui Lee and his remodeling of everything to be more impractical until Lavi and Allen come into the communal bath with him halfway done. He and Allen exchange customary dirty looks and Lavi says a short "Heya" before they step in and get down to business, washing up as they chat.

And Kanda's mind promptly melts. At Lavi's bare chest tan and sleek with runoff, his mouth glistening from the bath, his narrow hips teasingly skimming the water…never mind the things he wants to do to them. (Touchingkissinglicking he is so fucked.) Lavi catches Kanda's eye a few times and makes faces before going back to talk to Allen. But he doesn't do it in an unfriendly way.

Allen wrinkles his own nose at Lavi's momentary distractions, but doesn't look over at Kanda once.

--

"Mm, what's up Yuu?" Lavi yawns later that night as he opens his door slightly. Kanda knows for a fact after chasing after Lavi for so long that this is the one night of the week that Bookman is gone, meeting up with Komui to collect information for his precious records.

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Mm, ok. Talk." Lavi agrees matter-of-factly as he boldly throws the door open. It's because he knows whatever Kanda says isn't going to make a difference, Kanda thinks. They sit side-by-side on his bed together, smaller than Bookman's on the other side even though Lavi could be twice as tall.

"How do two men have sex?" he asks bluntly.

"WHOA! Yuu!--"

"I'm asking." Kanda interrupts him frostily. (Or as frosty as possible when this subject is already effecting his physiology.) "Because I'm that serious."

Years of training and experience mean that Kanda's adept at reading movements and he's fast enough to grab the back of Lavi's shirt and jerk him back onto the blankets.

"That's important to you, right?" Kanda demands as Lavi sprawls, trying not to think about how this looks like the beginning to a very inappropriate scene . "You're always talking about it. I'm saying…I want to do this with you because of how I feel. Because I…love you. And I know you, you perverted idiot, I know you'd think this over a lot more if there was something like that in it for you--"

"Hell, Yuu, there's more to it than you being a shit lay!" Lavi blurts from his pillows. He promptly slaps his hands over his mouth, realizing that had been the wrong thing to say. "Well, I mean…" he tries to amend and comes up with nothing.

Okay. Fine. Probably not going to help. But whenever someone tells Kanda he's a shit anything the first thing he does is go out of his way to prove them wrong. And besides, other than his exorcist uniform being strewn on a chair nearby, Lavi looks a hell of a lot like the first time Kanda went after him. Only with the added appeal of being only in his sleep clothes of a shirt and shorts, his toned legs bare.

"Ack, no!" Lavi chokes out as Kanda pins him for the second time.

There's a tiny noise in the doorframe and Lavi looks over Kanda's shoulder to see Allen. Judging from his gaping mouth, his mind has fit the puzzle together and simultaneously broken into itty bitty pieces . Heh. He's always known that Allen's a smart kid…add that to being the apprentice of the most debauched General in existence, and it makes sense that he'd be pretty quick on the uptake on all kinds of hot and heavy.

After a few second's worth of being completely paralyzed (unless you counted turning puke green as a kind of action) Allen hastily removes his glove to activate his innocence and haul Kanda off. He can just as easily do the run-and-shove, but it looks like he's taking a long-distance approach to avoid having to get too close. But before he can do anything, Lenalee's head pops up beside his.

Lavi's always been downright awed by Lenalee's flexible joints. She streaks forward and brings her high kick right down on Kanda's shoulder with a "WHACK!". Kanda's sturdier than her brother and Lenalee doesn't have her innocence activated, so he stands his ground. But his head whips around to stare at her.

Her mouth is set firmly in a disproving little scowl.

"Stop it, Kanda! Don't be mean to Lavi anymore! You're interfering with everybody and that's…that's just rude!" She snaps with a glower. Lavi bites his tongue to stop himself from giving it away in a hysterical bout of laughter. He hasn't seen Lenalee this feisty since her pre- "Allen-sweetie" days. Meanwhile, Allen's face is going through a rainbow of colors, with the previous green fading to chalk white and now red enough to almost be purple.

Kanda's almost happy when the emergency siren goes off.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

First off… mad props to Clockjuice for being psychic!

Clockjuice: "When Lavi wondered about Kanda's prowess in bed, especially with a man, I thought Lavi really had it coming. Kanda, Lavi, room, rape. Just you wait, Lavi, just you wait!"

throws confetti Absolutely correct. Shame on Lavi and his Bookman skill for mis-profiling Kanda as someone who 1.) will not attempt rape if you provoke him and 2.) as someone Lavi can actually fight off.

You get free fanart. Tell me anything D. Gray-man you want drawn up. (Sorry about it not being a fic request, but I draw faster than I write.) My LJ "blueboxcutter" has some examples of stuff I do at blueboxcutter./

Same stuff…

So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir47 (here on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.)

BTW, I do a random D.Gray-man fan arts from time to time, I.e. strychnon./art/D-Gray-man-Morning-81047827

Any requests?

EXTRA NOTES FOR THIS CHAPTER:

From my own experience, there are people with personalities you'd absolutely HATE in your girlfriend or boyfriend, but you'd think is pretty funny in your friend. Lavi thinks hanging with a douche bag is fun, but isn't interested in banging one. Let's run with that.

I absolutely ADORE Lenalee and Allen (all of the D. Gray-man cast rocks me) but I noticed that Lenalee's always at her dorkiest when she's being tender towards Allen. I do see them as a very pleasing canon main couple (even with hints galore about all sorts of potential pairings, like Lenalee Kanda and Lenalee Lavi and so on…) but I've always wished Lenalee would maintain her kick-ass self even when showing her soft side…Ah well.


	6. Six

Out of Order

SUMMARY:

Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi think Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.

SIX

When Lavi grabs his arm to stop him from jumping off their cleared platform and diving into the pile of level threes and fours, Kanda fixes him with a gleaming evil eye like a peeved mongoose has when it's about to swallow a cobra headfirst. He barely has the time to think "Oh, gross" at the un-sexy sexual innuendo before Kanda grabs him by the cheeks and slams his mouth against his.

Jesus fucking Christ, it's disgusting and wrong enough to make his soul retch its way out of his skin (What is soul vomit anyways? Ectoplasm?) but pretty damned hot anyways exactly because it's his asexual friend turning out to be a hot-blooded nymphomaniac once bloodlust and adrenaline and perspiration has his uniform clinging to his (objectively speaking) rather nice ass crack.

And that is exactly the kind of shit creek Lavi's mind goes to when something this jarring happens to him.

Ok, ok, good, good, Lavi thinks as the slick of Kanda's sweat makes bodily contact a slippery, difficult thing. So, make a decision. Throw him off because you know you feel like gagging up a kidney at thinking about a friend like that, or when in Rome (as in, everyone has wild crazy desperate random sex when they think they're about to die) do as the Romans do. Just stick it.

Aaaanndd then all chance of being able to sort through this in some logical manner gives way to what he vaguely identifies as desperate survival instinct because _I'm being mauled. _Lavi's fantasized about viciously tonguing more people and parts than his sense of self-decency will allow him to admit to even himself, buthe knows Kanda's pace-less slurping isn't lustful by any stretch of the imagination. It's like a starving dog harshly licking a bone to rip off any remaining shreds of flesh.

Another obvious tip-off that Kanda doesn't really want to bone him/be boned stupid, even with all the wild thrashing that may or may not be angled towards Lavi's erogenous zones--it's all teeth and no lips and he isn't biting in a rough-pain-pleasure way of breaking the skin (because Kanda's breaking a lot of skin, alright) but wants to chew all the way through, top incisors meet bottom.

All that hitting of their teeth together is knocking Lavi's right out of their gums. The blood between them is bubbling up and getting snorted up by his panicked, heaving breathing, stinging the very back of his nasal cavity with a copper sharpness. So yeah, he tries to pull Kanda off before he suffocates, or Kanda eats him out of hunger or some rare strain of reverse vore-fetish. But Kanda somehow gets a hold of his lower lip and chomps down all the way through.

It's not being stuck through with a sword or getting shot in the stomach by an Akuma, but it it's appropriately intense for his first-ever fainting spell.

When he wakes up he assumes that they won because he's laid out on a familiar hospital bed. He wills himself not to bump the basin on the nightstand so he can have an intact reflection to look at.

Hell. _Hell. _The shape of the damage could be integrated with a geometric equation (hinging on the diameter of Kanda's open mouth, he thinks wryly). There's a sweeping swath of plumped pink bite marks and crimson burst vessels under the skin and umber dried blood and thick plum bruises from under his nose to his chin. The lurid rectangle looks wrong on his face--unsettlingly detached from the rest and kind of ugly for it, like a nutcracker's flapping jaw.

He's a little indignant--weirded out, more like-- that no one thought to clean him up while he was out. That would have been the smallest courtesy after he'd gotten knocked out of commission while defending the Tower. It wasn't FROM defending the Tower, but still. Likely there were more severely wounded people to be taking care of. Either that or there had been some inferences made and no one wanted to look into how to treat someone with a bad case of Akuma mono.

There's a knock on the door and without even peeking around the frame, Kanda slides in quietly without even blinking owlish remorse. He dressed in a ridiculously unthreatening oversized shirt and black slacks. Lavi watches as he seats himself on a bench opposite to the bed--a very close opposite, the meant-to-hold-hand-of-the-half-dead-thing-on-the-mattress kind of close.

"I'm sorry," he says, a disturbing cliché of innocuous folded hands," about your mouth."

It's so obvious he's not repentant that Lavi stares. Confirmation that it was no passionate and bestial kiss fueled by battle ardor or the crazies, Kanda says "mouth" instead of the more romantic "lips". Everything, from Lavi's lips to tongue to teeth to gums to jaw--his whole mouth--just fucking hurts. He got attacked, not frenched.

Physical damage goes both ways with a good hit and Lavi notices that Kanda isn't exactly unscathed. Around his serene, expressionless mouth are lightly green contusions with rainbow undertones--negligible enough to be food stains from leafy vegetables. They're almost pretty in their sickly delicacy compared to Lavi's multicolored wreak. Lavi's a bit blank-headed at the moment, but knows it is a definite requirement that he sucker-punch Kanda in the ear for the difference. It's too stupid (it literally feels retarded and Kanda would just kill him) so he doesn't.

"Does it hurt a lot?" Kanda asks in moderate decibels. He's got Lavi dumb in both senses of the word, so he keeps talking on his own.

"Hmph…" he snorts to himself. He crosses his arms. "I can't remember all that well, but if I swallowed any of your teeth, I'm willing to give them back to you." He frowns a little and the pale ellipses on his skin frown with him. At Lavi's silence, he presses him. "If I did, the sooner I know the better. Sticking a finger down my throat will only work for so long."

"No. No, you didn't." Lavi replies. He does a quick check of running his tongue along histeeth, searching for gaps even after he says it. There're all there but sure as hell was going to check for chips later. Was it worth asking Kanda to spit up the chips?

"You can say something, you know." Kanda tells him matter-of-factly and a bit coolly. "I can tell you--I--didn't bite your tongue."

"No. I've got nothing. Whatever…whatever, Yuu." Lavi says. Shit, the muscles on his mouth are so hot and tight from inflammation that it feels like he's trying to force a ball of pure rubber to stretch, if stretching a rubber ball means complete searing agony. His bottom lip's engorged to the size of a small snake, but he's going to repress this as much as possible and try to think of the holes as battle injuries.

He looks down. He realizes that crispy feeling in his movement ever since he came to is the congealed blood in the fibers of his shirt front. It's flaking and floating onto the sheets, looking like clay dust. Well, lips do bleed like crazy. He's been leaning on his palms, so he shifts all his weight to one and sticks out an arm. "Hey, come here." Lavi thinks a euphoric victory hug might be permissible.

Kanda doesn't move and doesn't change a smidgen of his unruffled countenance.

Since he wouldn't put it past Kanda to make a pact with the Noah last minute, Lavi decides he might as well make sure. "…We DID win, right?"

Kanda gives a haughty, barely perceptible bow of his head to signify a "yes".

"Anyone dead?" At Kanda's noncommittal stare, Lavi sighs and lists who he wants to know about specifically.

"Anyone out of Bookman, Allen, Lenalee, Kro-chan, Miranda, Komui and the scientists, Jerry, the Generals, Marie, Chaoji and co., Bak and co…"

"Who?" Kanda answers uncooperatively. Kanda gets up and settles himself on the bed next to Lavi while Lavi's brain neatly pulls his stomach out if its plummet, because if the last few months have proved anything, Kanda is more of an emotional volcano than he lets on. So his apathy really means everyone whose name he does recognize is fine.

"… Are Allen and Lenalee around?" Lavi requests. This has to be the most inappropriate end to a war ever. Trust Kanda to be the type to actually pick it out for them to share together. Lavi needs to be having a meltdown about the ultimatum Gramps gave him about picking a side once it was over, or hugging the guts out of the two kids, or drinking... Drinking. Drinking definitely would've been nice--he would have liked the alcohol as a disinfectant and a memory obstructer.

"I haven't seen them since I carried you to the hospital ward."

"You carried me?"

"I was the only one who could find your body. Obviously." It just feels weird to have Kanda so dead-pan. Usually he's stingy on giving straight answers without at least three sentences worth of bitching as padding. Lavi never really comprehended how much of a clutter-mouth Kanda was before until now.

"Did they say anything?"

"They said, "Oh my god, is he dead'. And I said 'no' and made them get out of the way."

Lavi can't imagine Allen and Lenalee being that dense. Or hell, even that tactful if they noticed the state of his face. Allen and Lenalee may be dancing around rather than actually dating, and they may be a sweet slow-romance kind of couple. But if they don't realize what human bite marks on skin imply, they don't deserve any traces of libidos they have.

"Didn't they want an explanation?" he asks dryly.

"I told them you got hit with an akuma bullet." Kanda pauses-- if it's deliberate, Lavi can't tell. He adds, "In the mouth."

"Yeah? Then why aren't I dead from the virus?"

Kanda shrugs. "Said your teeth deflected it." Lavi thinks, a bit crossly, Kanda is picking a terrible time to start being cute.

"Yuu…that's just stupid. They didn't believe you."

Kanda shrugs again. He could have been fighting a smirk at the corner of his slightly battered mouth. "Sometimes, people tend to let me lie."

Lavi sighs. Shortly, he returns:

"All right." Lavi picks up the cotton cloth next on the tabletop and sticks it into the water. He scrubs at his neck to loosen up the stiffness of dried blood and spit, an attempted cheerful whistle petering out because puckering up pinched like pliers. Kanda surprises him by speaking first.

"I fucking hate your mouth, you know."

Lavi's always felt that such long, elegant eyelashes are perfect for Kanda. Nothing else can get a glare to that level of danger. They extend the shape of Kanda's eyes so his narrowed eyes are sharpest Lavi's ever seen. But at the same time Kanda can't help it that they look like they've been teased out, femininely lengthened and bolded as if with mascara. What Kanda can DO when he's pissed, that's genuinely scary. But the way he LOOKS when he's mad just takes him one step closer to drag. Violent drag.

Lavi makes sure his own eye is round and bright and saccharine like a baby animal's. He's copying it from how Lenalee looked a second before grinding some poor sap's genitals into his pelvis for grabbing her ass. Lavi supposes that this particular offense isn't too far off in seriousness.

"Well, Yuu…I don't know what to say. You can't possibly think that you have a better chance with that 'I love you' line now that before you tried to chew off my skin. That's not what you do when you love someone. Unless you're a black widow. Or a praying mantis. In which case, you'd STILL be the girl, by the way."

"Can you shut up about stuff like that for once? It's just…" Kanda rarely ever talks like a normal person. He has to snap, or growl, or bark, or hiss. He's about as new to interaction that doesn't threaten painful retribution as a baby is to walking. And about as wobbly and cranky at his level of success .

"Look, I GET it. A lot of the time, words are all you are. And that's the part about you that I HATE…I was going a little insane from the fighting, but I was thinking about you the entire time…like all the times you pissed me off…and how that made me love you more…and that pissed me off and made me love you more." He takes a breath and a break, then picks up again. "When I thought one of us might die…I just…snapped, all right? I wanted to kiss you and I wanted to kill you and that's where I ended up."

"Uh." Lavi returns. "Well, that's very…" Unapologetic…? "…Honest of you. But I don't think turning carnivore on me got anything through to me that you wanted. It just kinda makes me think that…you're an asshole. But I kinda thought that before. It looks like no win, no loss, Yuu."

"So I'm an asshole. So are you. My God, are you an asshole, and I'm literally gross when I like someone. But I just tried to rip your mouth off your face, and somehow I still love you and you STILL haven't stopped making fun of it."

Lavi can's help screwing himself over one last time "Consistency's the sign of a good couple, yah know." he fills in sweetly. "Or any kind of long-term relationship…like friends. Or um, even a short-term friendship. Uh. Sorry." he remarks lowly in the subsequent painful silence. "Look, Yuu…I know this sucks for you. Really, I do. But there was really no avoiding that. I'm dead annoyin' to deal with. And y'know…and I'm not just talking about my personality. I think you've got some idea of what I'm talking about…"

"I do." Kanda interrupts. "Where are you going? With Bookman." he clarifies.

"Eh?" This is uncharacteristically quick of Kanda. "Uh…it's a secret!"

Kanda swears and throws the wet towel into Lavi's face with a smack.

"Don't act like I'm going to follow you, idiot!"

"Well, are you?"

"NO!"

"Good! Because I don't know! I just…go wherever a Bookman and his assistant need to go, and I'll be damned how the Panda figures it out every time. For real, so don't kill me."

"I wasn't going to!"

"You've already tried to. Like, a lot. So I'm just being careful, okay? "

Kanda groans and buries his face in his hands. "We're not at the end of the world any more. You're going, I don't have any time left... And I'm not even twenty yet. Fuck…Fuck!"

"Uh…what? Yuu?"

"This's just…what the hell…How the hell did this happen?" Kanda gripes. "I told Komui that I'd go to Japan with Lenalee and Chaoji as a clean-up crew tomorrow. And before you ask" he snaps at Lavi, "He's finally caught on that they're hot for each other, so Allen's getting shipped to the China branch to help them rebuild there. I overheard him ask that section chief to set up a date between bean sprout and some scientist …Loofah or whatever. You're supposed to go with him and encourage him to play the scene or something, but whatever, you're going to run off, right? Stupid bitch STILL wastes the most time on that sister complex after seeing the apocalypse."

"So whaddya call this?" Lavi teases. "A 'friend' complex?"

"Fucking…" Kanda rages. "God, Lavi it's going to be SO healthy for me to get over you!"

"Yep." Lavi answers quietly. Kanda stubbornly clenches his jaws and glares. "It sure will be." Kanda angrily takes in a lungful of air and turns a cold shoulder, but Lavi wraps around him from behind anyways.

"I'll miss you, Yuu. I mean… I liked you. I liked you a lot. Mm, yeah, Lenalee and Allen and Komui and Miranda and Noise and Tiedoll and everyone else likes you too, but that's for the side of you that'll protect everyone and save the Order and won't give up, and all that usual 'he's nice deep, deep down' crap. "Lavi squeezes.

"I like you. I like that you're a prissy bitch. I like that you talk shit about people to their faces for no reason and give em mean nicknames when I give em cute ones. I like how you were always able to kick the shit out of me. You're not nice, Yuu." Lavi leans his head on Kanda's brightly. "…You don't have to be. And you don't need to love me or me to love you. I like you a lot."

Kanda blinks, but he's a lot further from tears than he thought he'd be. What the…? That bastard, what the fuck. How had he managed that?

He turns around and seizes Lavi.

"Just say good-bye, all right?" He warns gruffly and irritably. "Or else I really WILL spend the rest of my life hunting you down so I can rip out your kidneys and make you drink from them. Bookman too."

"Yeah. Sorry I didn't think to talk to you about it, but we coulda figured out that the ending would decide for us."

"…It's not so bad. At least I didn't end up forcing you."

"Erk… don't even joke about that. " Lavi cracks nervously. "And for Chrissake, can you help me out and get Miranda? I can't be walking around like this."

Maybe Kanda takes a little longer than he should to answer, but that's because he's picking up the cloth on the floor, and hell, thinking pretty hard, so Lavi manages to sneak in his thing.

"What? You hoping that I'll just keep the hickey? The whole 'mark of possession until it fades' thing? Get Miranda, you perv, that's for lovers, not friends!"

"Lavi…I can't wait until I hate you again--"that's all he can get out before Lavi chucks what looks like a pretty big rock at his front teeth "OW!" Kanda's hand's fly up and catch the scarlet dribble running over his lower lip. "Goddamni-What the hell's wrong with you?!" He scoops up the gray object out of a fold of sheets pooled on the floor and is about to whip it back when Lavi grabs his wrist and snaps it down.

"There, we're even. Take THAT if you want a memento. Don't need it any more."

Kanda forces himself to actually take a look at what Lavi tried to concuss him with. The silver under the letters are marked with one thick line.

"Engraver didn't know what to do with the space for a last name, I guess."

"Your exorcist badge? Wha-no, you freak, that's just creepy. That reminds me of Tyki Mikk, not you."

"Whaddya want, pity sex? You're not allowed to answer that, by the way. Now, if you don't want a gap between your teeth as a keepsake…Get Miranda!" Lavi laughs.

--

Allen takes one look at Kanda's bloody mouth and tries to block Lenalee from entering the room.

"There are…things that some people do when they love each other…" Lavi can hear him try to explain in a strained voice. "And…they have a different approach to it than couples like us…but the thing is, ahm, I learned this when I was with my Master…it's something that people like us should try to avoid seeing…"

"Oh good Lord." Lenalee's horrified words waft through the gaps in Allen's arms and legs barricading the door. "What's happening now? Is Kanda eating his dead body or something? Allen, let me through already!" There's a shuffle of Lenalee trying to push through.

Kanda settles the issue by sweeping past, yanking on that stupid pimp cape Allen wears while he's in ultimate mode and jerking him flat on his back . In a bittersweet(?) recreation of their first moment as lovers, Lenalee topples on top of Allen with a small scream. Kanda steps over their bodies and goes out to fetch Miranda. He can hear Lavi greeting them cheerfully over Allen's shouting.

--

Later that night he leans over the broken wall of the uppermost level of the tower--quite a few floors lower than it was before the fight. He can actually make out Bookman kicking Lavi furiously about the shins--he's too tired after doing his part in the battle for one of his signature flying kicks. Lavi's dawdling is irritating him, but then Lavi nimbly breaks away and darts a few paces ahead, pulling to a skidding halt. He tosses his hands in the air. One is a palm he puts to his mouth and flings back out. The other one's a fist except for a standing middle finger.

Kanda gets the stupid English pun on his name and waves. But Bookman's a little puzzled and very grumpy--to him it looks like Lavi's making the gestures at the building. Which makes enough sense for him to justify putting a little extra spring in his step to boot Lavi in the behind for being clingy. Kanda idly watches the idiot sheepishly trot ahead of his master until they're both out of sight.

Before he goes back down to a non open-air floor, he remembers to reach into his pocket and toss the badge over the cliff. Then he heads back into the faint babble of the send-off party for the exorcists heading out for clean-up missions tomorrow.

The thing'd be too incriminating if found, and Allen and Lenalee would be crawling all over him like pesky little ants with their questions. (Allen's already being twice as uppity to him as usual because it's supposedly "his" fault that he had to explain to Lenalee what a "fetish" is. And the very fact that he knows what it is with such precise clarity has got her wary, which has Allen sulky.)

The love he had found at the end of the world had left plenty of traumas to remember him by. Coming out of it and looking back is like remembering a story, only all scrambled up. He's going to leave it that.

It wouldn't be like him to try to put it in order.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir47 (here on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.

Any requests?

NOTES FOR THIS CHAPTER:

I've gotten a few remarks of "this is good, but not really that crack-y..." and "Lavi's so mean! Why?". True, I'm not a writer of crack like "It's cross-dressing pop idol day at the Order!," so this is as crack-y as I get. I always want things to make sense (cough, people who've read my last fic, IGNORE) even if it's comedy, that's just how I approach writing. When I said crack, I had this scene in mind. I didn't think I made Lavi that mean...he'd be a total douche if this were actually a lovey-dovey fic, but it's not really.When you're trying to dissuade someone who likes you, if you're strong-willed and know your own mind very well, you commit to a rejection. Especially if the other person is kinda crap at convincing you. This fits Lavi, I believe. But I'm hoping this last scene redeems him? In my mind, for this fic Lavi's always liked Kanda, even admired him, but just didn't have the right vibe.

For the people who ran through this with me for the first time...Thanks for reading for so long and I hope you enjoyed it! I'm very touched by all the in-depth commentary I've received. It's strange, I haven't thought about it, but with this couple I've gone through a natural relationship cycle with the fics I've wrote. In order, "Whore" has a happy get-together ending, "thirteen minus infinity" is a tragic romance, "Out of Order" is about unrequited love, and "No Title" is a break-up story. I'm still mad into Kanda+Lavi, but I'm kind of bled out for them for right now. I'll go back to them later but right now I'm exploring other fandoms/other aspects of the D. Gray-man fandom.

Thanks again for reading!


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